This may be a bit of a doozy - stick with me.
So, to do this right, we're going to start back at the beginning. 2009 - I'm visiting friends, one of which is a thin little blonde that I have a massive crush on. (I'm a fatty, her brother is my best friend, I have no chance and I know it) They are a religious family, and practically all of my experience with church and God and religion comes from the times I've attended Mass with them. Probably could count the times on fingers and toes. At one point it is brought up that I should attend a TEC retreat. (TEC is Teens Encounter Christ, it's a fantastic youth retreat) I really wasn't interested - but at the same time, I was trying to impress someone, so I declared that if she filled out my application, I would go. She did, I went.
This was an extremely awkward weekend. It was, however, the first time I met one of my best best friends, Miss Sydnee. But, back to awkward. I am not familiar at this point with any of the Catholic "words" - the prayers - what and how you do specific things. The ordeal was overwhelming to the point where I was planning on faking sick and heading home. Some reason or another I stuck it out, and oddly enough, I did have a good time. It took a lot of me opening up, and showing my vulnerabilities - and like I said, I was trying to impress someone.
The thing nobody knew, was my battle with depression. Most people didn't know anything about it, but I have battled the demons of Depression and Anxiety since I was 16. At the time, it had started to effect my job, and lets face it, I'm not and have never been good with girls - I guess it has something to do with a lack of stability. That's what girls seem to want in a guy. Plus, I don't consider myself attractive. Loneliness is a problem, is what I'm getting at. For those reasons, plus more, I was honestly suicidal. (ya know, at the start I wanted to protect names, but it's difficult, so if anyone has beef with their name being in here, let me know) Kayla inadvertently saved my life by filling out my application for the TEC retreat. I'm not sure if I encountered God that weekend, or if I just found a place for myself in the loving community that is TEC, but I changed my mind on the suicide thing after that weekend. The night I returned home from the retreat, boot up my computer, and start adding friends to facebook, Syd sends me a message saying <3 - and here's a secret. From that very moment I've loved her - that started a 6 year story that I'm still trying to figure out.
Anyways - fast forward a year, I'm starting the RCIA process (how to become a Catholic) I've also returned to the TEC community to serve on the first of 7 retreats. I have also started this blog you are reading right now. I really enjoyed the RCIA program, the theology and history was fascinating. It really inspired me at the start of this blog, when it was just me. I managed to post daily with scripture readings and my thoughts on them. I will admit though, this is the beginning of the end. I started the RCIA program for the wrong reasons. I felt that I needed to be Catholic to serve on the TEC retreats, and I wanted to be a part of that community. Part of me wanted to be Catholic for Kayla and her family also. From the very beginning I didn't make an effort to attend Mass. It made me extremely uncomfortable. See, mass is so much different outside of a TEC retreat. That whole universal unconditional love and acceptance that you get on the retreat isn't anywhere present in the real world. The people I met through my Church outside of the retreat were a real let-down. Extremely judgmental, nobody gave hugs - it was a hard pill to swallow. I think the problem was that I didn't grow up in the Church. If I had, I would likely have had friends in the community, would be used to how things get done, all that. All things considered - I finished the RCIA program, I kept serving on TEC's, and even still, my faith kept growing - simply in an atypical way.
Fast forward a couple of years - it's 2012. The 2012-2013 year was the most difficult year of my life. This is the year I fell out with TEC, and the Church (for what I thought was good) I began to have a rather large issue with the hypocrisy in the church, and even in TEC. All of these people, pretending to be stellar role models for these teens - when they're out having premarital sex, drinking, doing drugs, and being terrible examples of piety. The anger I was feeling towards the community was amplified by the problems in my personal life. I was putting the final few nails in my credit coffin, by making a failed attempt at returning to school - at the urging of the before mentioned family that I loved so much. I guess college is essential to them, but clearly it isn't something I needed. However - they made it seem like it was important I do it. It failed horribly. I ended up unemployed, dropped out, and kicked out of my apartment. Also, student loan debt. Sydnee showed her awesomeness again, and took me in for a few days while I tried to smooth things out with my family, and basically get permission to come home (long long story, I had a terrible relationship with my dad. Mom is basically one of my best friends, but dad and I had issues) It was an unpleasent time in my life. Before I called Syd to see if I could stay with her, I thought about sitting down on train tracks. I thought about throwing my car across the interstate. I thought about getting a gun. I had lots of bad thoughts. She saved me from that though. I'm not sure she even knows how important she is to me for that.
I did manage to get things smoothed out enough that I could go home. I guess I had changed enough, Dad and I began to slowly get better with each other. It was rough at first. I had trouble finding a job, small town equals small market. I think the problems he had with me - in my teen years I was really into Anime, but this is way before Anime becomes socially acceptable. At the time, it was strange and different. For this reason, half of my family (maybe more) thought I was a gay kid. That caused a lot of damage, and caused me to kind of recluse from them. But back in the story, I think dad finally started realizing I like cars, drinking beer, cooking meat, and tongue kissing girls - and that took a lot of the tension away. Plus - I got a job. or a career. I found my calling, as a 911 Dispatcher and Call Taker. It's an extremely high-stress job that most people can't handle - but I excel at it. Because of my history with depression, I'm fairly emotionally numbed to the tragic situations, and I love helping people. Also, it's constantly changing, never the same. I don't get bored at work. I love the people I work with, I love the law enforcement community, it's just me. It's so strange too, because it's not a job anyone wants to do, when their a kid.
As my life began to stabilize around my new job - things began to fall into place. My depression stopped being so severe for the most part. Sure, loneliness would still cause problems - because there weren't really many friends or love interests around. I work weird hours, and don't really want to associate with criminals, so my options were extremely limited. Still, for the most part, things were going good.
Now, we come to the mostly present time. Life is still stable, and getting better. I'm getting more attractive with this fantastic beard I'm rocking. I'm not 100% sure but I think the loneliness problem is working on getting fixed, but other things have broken.
In the last few months I've made some pretty massive revelations. First and foremost is that I don't have to fake Catholic anymore. Don't freak out on me. I'm still Catholic, still a member of the church, haven't been ex-communicated or anything. Not going anywhere, I am just now comfortable with not making myself do the things that make me feel uncomfortable. I can be a rock-star with a strong glowing faith, and practice that faith in my own way - and that's ok for me. I realized that I could try and go back to the TEC community, because I realized that my problem with hypocrisy was not directed at the others, but at myself. I saw the flaws and sins I have been guilty of in other people and it upset me. Now, I've coem to terms with the fact that humans make mistakes. People screw up, and people sin. I think it's important to show that to the world - I sit here, writing this blog, acting as a role model to youth and adults all over the world. We can be honest about ourselves and still appear as faithful. We need to open it up a little. When you air your dirty laundry, you find other people who have similar stains on their clothes - suddenly,, you've created a support group. That, right there, is healthy.
Is everything better now? Nope. It never will be. I will always have some problem bugging me, and I will always have depression and anxiety hiding in my shadow. That's just how it is. What has changed is my attitude, and my outlook. So, dear readers - I'm here to stay. I'm already working on a backlog of content so you constantly have something to check out here. Many apologies for all the time I spent away from you - but rest assured, I'm here now.
Good night, God Bless, Cheers, and so on
Jake
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